Shower Thoughts
by Tyem Marodyor
Summary: Ever wondered what the Marauders, Lily Evans and her two friends thought in the shower? It only takes one question, and they all want Lily to answer...and soap gets in Sirius' eyes. As usual.
1. Monday

**I was thinking, the other night, (in the shower, where else?) that J. K. Rowling hardly ever mentions Harry taking a shower or going to the toilet. Of course, I've harnessed this unknown area and turned it into some warped story with the Marauders, Lily Evans and her two friends. And remember, I just took the characters from J. K. They're not really mine. I call it:**

**Shower Thoughts**

**Monday**

**James Potter**

Oh my God, why did I say that? How mad am I? She will never talk to me again; never will I see her perfect lips part to yell an insult at me or to scream at me to leave her alone and stop stalking her. Why did I say what I – Shit, I dropped the soap. I wonder what sort of soap Lily uses? All I know is, it smells wonderful and – Sirius has been using my shampoo again. How dare he! Anyway, in the mornings, after her shower, she smells kind of –

"Prongs, stop trying to drown yourself! Get over it!"

"And out of the shower! Peter stinks!"

**Emmeline Vance**

Geez, he asks her a question, she just stands there, stares at him and – I wish Dorcas would stop using my conditioner! Where was I? Oh yeah, she just stands there, stares at him, then mutters, "Come on…Em…Dorkie." She must have been pretty dumbstruck though, calling Dorcas Dorkie…and in front of Black too! I'm surprised Dorcas didn't hit her. And – Oh! The water's gone cold. Oops. Better get out then.

**Peter Pettigrew**

Hehe. James will never know that I use his strawberry scented soap. It doesn't really work anyway. I can still smell myself. It's not fair. Why is it me that always smells? And why does everyone have to point it out? And why does everyone, including that guy who doesn't use deodorant, smell better than me? It's not like I asked to have a body odour. And yet everyone still tells me so. Why don't they just drop it? It's not like they can claim they smell of roses all the time. Some of them after Quidditch, oh boy –

"Peter, just because you spend half an hour in the shower, does not mean you smell any better!"

"And stop using my soap!"

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Lily is such an idiot. She should have just answered him, instead of saying, "Come on," to me and Em. And she called me Dorkie! The nerve! I'll get her…when she starts acting normal again. But ever since this year started, and she found out Potter was Head Boy along with her being Head Girl, she went all weird. Started to get, I dunno, jumpy around Po –

"Emmeline, bring my towel back!"

**Sirius Black**

How could James have asked her such a question? Merlin, sometimes Prongs is such a git. I mean, what did he expect her to say? "Oh James, I must conf-" – Oh God the pain! My eyes! There is soap in my eyes and I can't see!

"Moony! Prongs! Wormtail! Somebody! Help! I can't see!"

"Oh, what did you do – Padfoot, what happened to your eyes?"

"The soap! It attacked me Moony! I've gone blind!"

"So have I. Can you at least get a towel on?"

"Where from? Like I can see it!"

"But didn't you buy the hot pink one so that –"

"I'M BLIND! YOU EXPECT ME TO SEE A HOT PINK TOWEL WHEN I'M BLIND?"

"Calm down! Oh great, now there's water everywhere…"

"I can't – AARGH!"

"I said, there's water everywhere."

**Lily Evans**

Why did I do what I did? I should have just answered him; how stupid am I to have just walked off? And Dorcas is going to get me so bad for calling her Dorkie…and in front of Black! Boy, am I in for it. She is going to – Eek! This water is freezing! Emmeline and Dorcas used all the hot water again…hmph. Hey, where's my towel?

"You guys used all of the hot water!"

"We also stole your towel! Follow a series of clues, each more difficult than the last, until –"

"Found it."

"I told you to make the hiding place less obvious."

**Remus Lupin**

Showers are so boring. They give you too much time to think. And then you forget to wash yourself. That's probably why Peter smells. He gets so caught up in his thoughts, though I doubt he has many, that he forgets to wash himself. I would never do things like that. Not me. Not – Oh, almost forgot to use soap. What was I – Oh yeah. Not me. Not Remus Lupin. I never – wait, I just – Oh, bother it.


	2. Tuesday

**Shower Thoughts**

**Disclaimer:** I keep telling you. I don't own Harry Potter. How many times do I have to say it?

**Tuesday**

**Remus Lupin**

She didn't say anything. Not a word. Just pretended he was invisible. Well, she does that normally, I suppose, but when this year started, she – Why am I thinking this sort of thing in the shower? I'm stupid. The shower is not my thought diary, I don't even keep one anyway. I should only think shower-related thoughts. Such as: should I use my normal, rose scented soap? Or opt for James' strawberry one? I wonder which one Emmel – No. Shower-related. My normal rose one I think. Strawberries are not my scent. Hang on, is that still shower-related?

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Today was such a bore. Why on earth did we have to take the long way to every class? My feet hurt from all the extra stairs we had to climb. All to avoid Potter and his stupid question. I'm still wondering why Lily won't answer it. I mean it was pretty straight-forward. Not. "I know you –" Goddammit. Emmeline has been using my exfoliating facial wash stuff. She doesn't even get zits. Her and Lily with their perfect porcelain skin faces. Hmph. And I get all the blackheads.

"Dorcas, would you please get out of there? I would like to have a shower sometime this year!"

**Sirius Black**

After recovering from the painful shock of the soap attack – Evil soap, I am never touching you again – I have decided to face my fears and step back into the shower. I just won't use the soap. Oh, but I smell… No. I shall not use the evil blinding soap. Oh, but, deodorant can hurt, especially if I spray it in my eyes…What's deodorant doing near my eyes anyway? Like my eyes smell…Wait, do they? Oh no…

"Prongs! Do my eyes smell?"

"I…don't think so."

"Smell them! Tell me if my eyes smell!"

"Sirius, can you please get back into the bathroom? The water's still running and…well, it'd be better if you had a towel on."

"How dare you Moony! All I wanted to know was if my eyes smell!"

"His eyes smell?"

"Don't ask me."

**Emmeline Vance**

Still no reply from Lily. We had to take the long route to every class just to avoid Potter. I think we saw Peeves three times and I know that my hair will never be the same again. Damn it, how do you get chewing gum out? Any ideas? What about you soap? Shampoo? Empty conditioner bottle that Dorcas used the last of? Towel? Anybody?

**James Potter**

I am invisible. Hehe, not really. Like I'd bring my precious Invisibility Cloak into the shower. Anyway, I'm invisible to Lily, I know that. She has avoided me all day. I wonder if she wants to answer my question, but she can't 'cause that would be saying too much…Whoa, I think way too much in the shower. Oh crap, that soap's slippery. Where was I? Oh yeah…

"Sirius! Quit using my shampoo!"

"But it makes my hair so soft and silky…"

"Oh yeah? Well, it does that to mine too, so –"

"But my hair's longer than yours, which means I should have rights over the shampoo that makes my hair so silky."

"Padfoot! My mum only sends me one bottle of that a month, and I only ever get to use one-quarter of it!"

"Well, ask her to send another bottle for me! Then you won't have to storm out in the middle of your shower and yell at me and then have me try and take you seriously when you're naked and wearing that shower cap."

"Hmph."

**Lily Evans**

I am so tired. I made Dorcas and Emmeline take the long way to all of our classes so that we wouldn't run into Potter. We didn't, which I suppose is good, but now Dorcas and Emmeline aren't talking to me 'cause they don't understand why I just don't answer him. But I have no idea of how to put my answer. Ever since I found out he was Head Boy, everything has gone slightly strange. At first I was furious that Dumbledore could even think about putting him as Head Boy alongside me. But, then something else came in. I don't really want to admit it, but I think I –

"Lily get out of there! Stop drowning yourself and come see what we've done."

"What have you done? Oh guys…"

"We know we were a bit mad at you, but then we decided to surprise you!"

"And after we leave, you can take them with you and remember your two best friends the best way imaginable."

"Oh, and they move too!"

"Of course. They are wizard photographs."

"Thanks guys."

"Promise us one thing though."

"What?"

"You have to answer Potter by the end of the week."

**Peter Pettigrew**

It's not fair. James and Sirius and Remus used all of the hot water and now I have to have a freezing cold shower. It's freaking cold! I think I'm turning blue. I can't even hold onto James' soap, I'm shivering so much.

"Eek! Somebody, help me up!"

"I'd rather not. I'm extremely absorbed in this book, Peter."

"Oh, you know, robes to fold, underwear to iron."

"Um…um…Oh geez, why me?"

"Thanks Padfoot, you're so kind."

"Yeah, sure. Can you stand – Aargh!"

_Calling together_ "Prongs! Moony! We need help!"

"Can't you two just have a shower without a disaster? And it's always me who has to help."

"No, normally it's me."

"No, me."

"No, me."

"No, me."

"No, me."

"No, –"

"Help us up!"

"Oh, alright. Take my hand. No, wait, I'm supposed to pull, not –"

_Singing _"Three little Marauders lying on the floor. They called for help so Prongsie came to the door. He tried to help us, but he began to fall. Now there's four little Marauders lying on the floor."

"Shut up Peter."


	3. Wednesday

**Shower Thoughts**

**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter is mine! No…wait…that was the dream I had last night…sorry.

Also, Lidia Caracella isn't mine either. I just borrowed her.

**Wednesday**

**Lily Evans**

When will this week end? Dorcas and Emmeline keep pushing me and pushing me (sometimes literally) to answer Potter. It's not that I don't want to answer him, it's just…Well, some questions have answers that are just too complicated to put into words. Do you know the type? Hang on, why am I talking to the shower? Like it knows. Anyway, I wish they would just –

"Liiily! We've got a questionnaire for you!"

"Come and answer it, post haste!"

"What, what is it?"

"Read…"

"And answer."

"Guys, this is just one question over and – Hey! No way! You can have your questionnaire!"

"Oh, but if you answer it, we can just give it to Potter and you won't have to say a word."

"No." _Storms off_

"Why did she just lock herself in the bathroom? WE NEED OUR SHOWERS TOO, LILY!"

**Sirius Black**

Right. This new girl that I haven't really met before, Lidia Caracella or something, gave me this shampoo. She heard about my soap incident (Evil soap, I know you're out to get me.) and felt sorry for me, the nice girl. Anyway, she says the shampoo is no tears. And when I didn't understand that, she told me that it means that it won't hurt if I get it my eyes. I told her that that was good and I attempted to hug her. She attempted (without success) to throw her…football, I think it was, at me. So let's use this new shampoo! Ooh, mango scented…Now let's see what happens if I put some into my eyes…

"AARGH! NO TEARS MY ASS! THIS IS WORSE THAN SOAP! HELP ME PRONGS!"

_Sighs_ "What is it this time, Padfoot?"

"I put the shampoo in my eyes and now I'm blind!"

"Did you say put? Well, then of course it would hurt."

"Stop the pain! MY BEAUTIFUL EYES!"

"You shouldn't have put the shampoo in your eyes."

"PRONGS, YOU'RE NOT HELPING!"

"I know."

**Emmeline Vance**

After forcing Lily out of the bathroom, I've finally managed to get in. Dorcas is trying to convince her to answer the questionnaire we wrote, but I think Lily's hidden herself under her bed. We were trying to make things so much easier for her, and she is just ignoring the perfect chance to answer the question, but not have to talk to Potter in the process. She is missing out on the perfect chance to answer the question…Geez, it's a yes or no question, it's not that hard to –

"Emmeline, you try! I want my shower! And you had better not be using my apple scented body wash!"

Oops…

**James Potter**

After helping Padfoot, get the shampoo out of his eyes, I now have some time in the shower. Some time to think, to ponder, to consider, contemplate, deliberate, mull over, reflect, think about, muse on…I decided to read a thesaurus, alright? Is that such a crime? So many people think that me and Padfoot are just pretty boys, but who has top marks in Transfiguration? Oh yeah, that's me! Even Lily is beneath me in that; she's second. Yes, I beat Lily in something! Wait, why am I celebrating in the shower? I should share this with the whole world!

"I'm better than Lily at something!"

"That's nice Prongs…"

"Couldn't you have waited until you put some clothes on to start dancing around the dormitory?"

"No! I have to tell everyone now!"

"He…He didn't…He didn't just run down the stairs naked, into the common room where all of those first-years are studying…did he?"

"He did, Padfoot."

"He'll regret it in about one minute from now."

**Peter Pettigrew**

Because bad things keep happening to me in here, I was less than happy to come back. But then Sirius was holding his nose, saying that I stank, and Remus, with a peg on his nose, pushed me in here. So here I am. Another shower. Who invented the shower anyway? They must have smelt and didn't want to lie down for a bath. I like baths. Why can't we have baths? No, only the prefects are allowed baths. Remus could have one. But he says it's too much bother and he's afraid he'll fall asleep and drown. I wouldn't be. At least my legs wouldn't end up hurting from standing up the whole time. My legs hurt. Why do we have legs? They just end up hurting. Why is there so much pain in the world? Why is there so much pain in my legs? Wait a minute…

"AARGH! Spider! It's biting me!"

"Whatever Wormtail."

"I'm sure it's just a figment of your imagination."

"No seriously! The poison, it's spreading throughout my…"

"I think he was serious."

"No, I'm Sirius."

"Idiot."

"We should take him to the hospital wing."

"Better put some clothes on him first."

"EWW! I AM NOT DRESSING A NAKED, WET AND UNCONSCIOUS PETER PETTIGREW!"

"We didn't ask you to."

"Just ignore him. When he's under his bed, it's Sirius time."

"… I don't want to think about what he is doing under there."

"… No, you probably don't."

**Remus Lupin**

At last, I have some time to myself in the shower. Some time to think out my thoughts. Right. Now then today, James ran into Lily five times, and every time, it was awkward with nothing being said by either of them. You can tell they're so in love… So why doesn't Lily answer the question? It's obvious she wants to, but anytime there's an opening in the conversation, it's always… 'So, you like cheesecake? I like cheesecake.' What the hell is this school's recent obsession with cheesecake? We never have it for dessert at dinner, so why is everyone talking about it and eating it between classes? I'll have to investigate…After all; it is my job as a prefect to find out where all this suspicious cheesecake is coming from…

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Now it's Emmeline's turn to try and get Lily to answer the questionnaire. Don't think it's quite working though. For goodness sake, we make things easier for her and what does she do? Ignore all of our efforts and hide under her bed. What is it with her and being under her bed? Mine has dust bunnies under it. But they're my friends so I don't mind. See the big one is called Dustina, and the smaller one is named Dorcas, after me. And then there's the boy one, Dustin, he's cool and he's in love with Dorcas. … I could write a sitcom! Yeah…They have Days of Our Lives; this could be Days of the Dust Bunnies. I could make a million dollars! I could make a movie! I could get –

"Dorcas! She's stuck under her bed! We need some help out here!"

"Help! I'm stuck…my foot…"

"Oh geez…"


	4. Thursday

**Shower Thoughts**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter, but I do own the thoughts that race through my mind when I'm having a shower! So there! That song I put in isn't mine either.

**A/N: okay, okay, stop throwing the tomatoes! I know that I haven't updated in ****ages****, but have any of my fellow writers ever heard of 'writer's block'? Yeah, well, I had it. But now, thanks to **_fairydustandcansofspam_ _Genairco Chook_**, and** _full time freak_**'s mp3 player, I'm back and read to roll! P. S. I apologize if certain stuff doesn't exactly fit in with the time frame of Lily and James. But some stuff I couldn't put in another story 'cause I wanted it just right, so I get to put it in this one instead! Yay!**

_**Dedicated to a very special Pashka.**_

**Thursday**

**Remus Lupin**

Wow. Thursday. Amazing how quickly the week goes. Tomorrow's gonna be Friday. Goodness. The week's just flown by.

I wish it wasn't the full moon next week. I wish I wasn't a werewolf. And I really wish that a shooting star would come by right now so I could wish all of this properly. I wish cheesecake didn't exist. … Hot water is annoying. It's never the right temperature. But you have to put up with it. Cold water's worse. It's just cold. Warm water is alright, if you're into that kind of thing. Lukewarm water however –

"Moony! Are you gonna be much longer? You know, I don't think it's possible to wash the werewolf out of you!"

"Moony might just prove you wrong there, Prongsie. He's certainly been in there long enough to drown himself!"

"Why are we all yelling at the bathroom door?"

"Oh, Remus is just trying to drown himself."

_Bangs on door_ "Don't do it Remus! I love you! Live for me! For me!!!"

"Um, Peter?"

"Yes?"

"He's not actually drowning himself. It's a figure of speech."

"Oh."

_Awkward pause_

"I'm going to…um…go now." _Hurried footsteps._

"Did he just –"

"He did, Remus."

"He looooves you, he wants to kiiiiss you and hoooold you…"

"Stick it, Padfoot."

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Dorcas Black. Mrs Dorcas Black. Mrs Dorcas Black. Dorcas and Sirius. Sirius and Dorcas. Black and Meadowes. Meadowes and Black. Mrs Dorcas Meadowes–Black. Mrs Dorcas Black–Meadowes. That one sounds so cool.

Okay. Kids' names…Kids' names…Nancy Black–Meadowes. Nah, doesn't sound right. Pauline Black–Meadowes. Too many syllables. Suzie Black–Meadowes. I never liked the name Suzie.

Heather Black–Meadowes? No…Alice Black–Meadowes? …Emma Black–Meadowes. … Emmeline Black–Meadowes! Nah, she'd probably take it the wrong way. Jenny Black–Meadowes. No. For some reason that reminds me of flower pots. Vanessa Black–Meadowes. Now that sounds cool. Gothically psychedelic…

"Dorcas, honestly, there has got to be a law against how many minutes you can spend in the shower!"

"There is in Australia, I think."

"What?"

"They have water restrictions or something. They're only allowed to have four-minute showers."

"Four minutes? Are you serious Lily? I'd never get my hair washed that quickly."

"Well, just tell Dorcas that we're on water restrictions and she has to get out of the shower before the water police come around."

_Bangs loudly on the door_ "Dorcas! If you don't get out of the shower right now, the water police are gonna come around and say that you're the reason that the country's in a drought!"

"The country's in a drought? Why didn't you tell me earlier, Emmeline?"

"I can hear them coming, Dorcas. Their water boots are sloshing up the stairs!"

"Eek! I'm out, I'm out!" _Rushes out of bathroom._

"Thanks Dorcas, I really need to wash my hair."

"Hey, you little –" _Door slams in her face._

**James Potter**

Sigh. Women. They live to confuse us. How dare they. We were here first. It says so in that Muggle book with all the pretty pictures. The Holy Bib or something.

What a funny word. Bib. What's another weird word…Egg. That's a weird word. Really weird. Two G's? Who came up with that? Must've been high…Another word…No, I think I'm still pondering egg. … Hmmm….egg…maybe it means…egg…what are some other egg words? Egghead, eggplant, eggshell…eggcellent. … What does egg mean?

"Prongs, some of us would like a shower!"

"Hold on…What does egg mean?"

"Egg? Why the hell do you wanna know what that means?"

"'Cause it's a weird word. Remus?"

"Egg is defined in the dictionary as: a body produced by females of birds, insects, etc. and capable of developing into a new individual."

"I still don't get –"

_Door slams open_ "You can have the shower now Peter."

_Muffled behind the door._ "What about me?"

**Peter Pettigrew**

I'm not even gonna begin to think about what happened earlier. Just thank Merlin that I got back into the dormitory quietly.

Guess what we had for dinner? Due to recent demand we finally had some cheesecake! Except then it turned into a cheesecake fight and most of it ended up on me…So that's why I'm in he shower so early. Cheesecake is so nice though…It feels like I'm hurting it because I have to wash it down the drain. Poor cheesecake, it never hurt anyone; it never had the chance… Eww…it's in my hair…I'll have to 'borrow' Remus' shampoo. His smells so nice…all piny and lemony…like disinfectant or something…I wonder if he knows that his shampoo smells like disinfectant? I certainly wouldn't want my hair to be washed with disinfectant…The little hair I have would be washed out, wouldn't it? I wonder what the effects would be if I used disinfectant on my hair? I wonder if anyone has ever actually used disinfectant as a shampoo. They certainly would have to be a real hygiene freak to wanna use disinfectant as a shampoo…I mean; some disinfectants are pretty awful…

"Does anyone have any disinfectant handy?"

"Excuse me?"

"Disinfectant. Do you have any Moony?"

"No…Why would I keep disinfectant 'handy'?"

"I dunno. Thought you were a hygiene freak."

"I'm not, but maybe you should become one."

"Why? What did I do?"

"You just dripped cheesecake into my evening glass of milk."

"Oh. Sorry."

"No you're not."

**Emmeline Vance**

I've got a date! I've got a date! I've got a –

Lily should really tell James her thoughts. Or at least a yes or a no.

"I've got a date! Hurrah! Date, date, date…"

"Emmeline, why do you have a date?"

"'Cause Remus asked me!"

"Um…okay…Why are you eating one in the shower?"

Lily should really tell James what she thinks. When someone asks you a question, it's only good manners to answer them. And I thought Lily was polite.

I think I might sing again. My head hurts from thinking about Lily's dilemma.

"I've got a date! I've got a date! Datey, datey, datey, datey, date, date, date!"

"Emmeline…"

"Just leave her."

"But Lily –"

"She's got a date with Remus this weekend. You can't blame her for being happy about it."

"How on earth did she manage to get –"

"He asked her out the other day."

"No fair! I want a date."

"Here you go."

"How did you get dates in a box?"

"Um…It's quite easy."

"Hey, these are dates!"

"Can I have one?"

"You've already got one."

"No I don't."

"Yes you do."

"What are we talking about?"

"I don't even know anymore."

"Dates or dates?"

"Dates."

"Dates?"

"Dates."

"Okay then. Do you wanna date then, Emmeline?"

"No, I meant a date!"

"I've got some dates."

"I am so confused…"

**Sirius Black**

_Singing and thinking _I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts…

"Sirius, would you shut up about being too sexy?"

"Never!"

I'm too sexy for Milan, too sexy for Milan, New York and Japan!

"Sirius! Seriously!"

"That didn't quite make sense."

"What sort of mother names her kid Sirius? I mean, seriously…"

"Quit saying serious!"

"I heard my name!"

"No you didn't."

"Okay then."

I'm a model you know what I mean, and I do my little turn on the catwalk. Yeah, on the catwalk on the catwalk, yeah. I do my little turn on the catwalk…

"Sirius!"

I'm too sexy for my cat too sexy for my cat, poor pussy, poor pussy cat. I'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my love; love's going to leave me!

"Does he even have a cat?"

"Maybe. I don't follow him. And I certainly don't ask him if he's too sexy for his cat."

"Why not?"

"Because – Shut up Peter!"

**Lily Evans**

Why does it have to take me so long to answer one question? I dunno…Isn't lisp a silly word? What about the people with lisps? How do they say that they have a lisp? It'd be so funny…Lisp, lisp, lisp…What about another weird word…Elephantiasis! Now that's strange! I wonder if anyone here has it? Probably that Hilary girl. Her limbs are really weird…Like ultra grossly enlarged…I should ask Emmeline. She knows everything about everyone. Just 'cause she has more friends than me…

"Hey Emmeline?"

"Yeah?"

"Does Hilary Heinemeier have elephantiasis?"

"What? Does she have what?"

"Elephantiasis."

"Um…actually, I think she did mention that once."

"Cool!"

"Or else she said she owned an elephant…"

"I own an elephant! An elephant dust bunny!"

"Oh, that's gross Dorcas, get away."

"Oh, no it escaped!"

"EWW! GIANT DUST BUNNY ON MY BEST ROBES! HOW DARE YOU!"

"I didn't mean to. Honestly." _Mutters _"Bwahahahaha. My plan worked."


	5. Friday

**Shower Thoughts**

**Disclaimer:** I own the water that I use to have a shower. Actually…wait…I don't own that! Then how come I'm paying for it?

**I'd just like to thank all of you who have reviewed, because you're the ones that I'm really writing this for, because you stuck with reading it, even though I hadn't updated in ages. But here's the new chapter; so enjoy! Note: if you don't already know; this story will be finishing on the Sunday. :D**

**Friday**

**James Potter**

Thinking back now, it was a bit of a weird question. I mean honestly, did I really even want her to answer?

Hmph. Girls are such difficult creatures. … Creatures … That reminds me of two things. One; that Care of Magical Creatures essay is due Monday and that thing that Kreacher sent Sirius…Hehe, that was so funny. What sort of house-elf sends their master a bag of –

"James! Guess who's at the door!"

"Ooh! Ooh!" _Rushes out in towel and throws door open_ "Lily?"

"Haha, sucker! Bathroom's mine!"

"Hey –!"

_Door slams_

**Dorcas Meadowes**

They say English is the hardest language to learn. I wouldn't actually know; I've never had to learn it. But I disagree anyway. I think French would be much harder. I mean, what does wee even mean? Honestly, people say it like it's yes or something. "Would you like that?" "Wee!" "Are you coming to tea with us?" "Wee!" Bah. Why can't everyone speak English?

"Dorcas, what are you doing?"

"Pondering the English and French languages."

"… What?"

"I said –"

"I know, but you? Pondering? That's like…a dog liking fish!"

"I used to know a dog that liked fish…"

"Lily, this is neither the time nor the place."

**Sirius Black**

Hurrah! I'm the king of the shower! Bwahahaha!

What a brilliant thing to teach us in Muggle Studies! Muggle nursery rhymes! Now, I must begin my practice of the rhyme we learnt today…

"_Up and down the city road,_

_In and out the Eagle,_

_That's the way the money goes,_

_POP GOES THE WEASEL_!"

"Sirius, shut up! That's just plain irritating!"

"_Half a pound of tuppenny rice,_

_Half a pound of treacle,_

_Mix it up and make it nice,_

_POP GOES THE WEASEL_!"

"Sirius –"

"Leave him alone."

"But it's annoying, Moony."

"So are you."

"What did you just say?"

"_Every night when I go out,_

_The monkey's on the table,_

_Take a stick and knock it off,_

_POP GOES THE WEASEL_!"

Well, there's my homework done! Hey… isn't pop a weird word? And I like weird words! Even more so than Prongs! I wonder what pop means?…

"Hey Moony! What does pop mean?"

"Pop: first definition, noun, a sudden sharp explosive sound."

"Thanks!"

"Wormtail, are you as scared as I am?"

"I think I am, Prongs."

_In unison_ "MOONY'S MEMORIZED THE DICTIONARY!"

**Lily Evans**

Pop goes the weasel. Honestly, I've known that since I could talk. But pop is a pretty weird word. What are some words with pop in them? I'll make a list with this soap on the wall…

Popcorn

Popinjay

Poplar

Poplin

Poppadom (yummy)

Popper (they are the best way to drink on the go!)

Poppet

Poppy

Poppycock

"Lily, are you finished in the shower yet?"

"What – Oh, uh, yeah!"

"Thank you." _Walks into room_ "Hey! What the hell happened to my soap? And what's this writing on the wall…? 'Poppycock'? Lily, what on earth have you been doing?"

"… Nothing."

**Peter Pettigrew**

_Singing and half-thinking_

"I'm too sexy for my shirt,

Too sexy for my shirt,

So sexy it hurts…"

"Peter, nobody likes a copycat."

**Emmeline Vance**

Sigh. I still feel all dreamy about this Remus thing. What am I going to wear? What are we going to do? Is he going to try and hold my hand? All the possibilities… No, brain, not those possibilities. Stupid brain.

I knew he would be right for me the day I met him. A pure bookworm. Just what a guy who wants to date me needs to be. Not like that stupid Freddy Froggest. Seriously, who on earth could live with that name? I thought he'd like frogs too, like me, but no, he burns them with his glasses and the sun. Ugh. I can't believe I went to Hogsmeade with him.

Anyway, back onto Remus. He hangs out with the Marauders too, which means that he has to have a sense of humour as well. He's so perfect.

"Emmeline, stop dreaming about snogging Lupin and get out of the shower!"

"Leave us some hot water for tomorrow!"

"Sorry…"

"Uh-oh. She's got that look."

"Looks like another sleepless night, Dorcas."

"Why? What look?"

"If you've got that look, it means that you'll be having another night of dreams about Remus."

"'Oh Remus, hold me. I think I'm going to faint. Oh Remus, touch me there, I love you Remus!'"

"I do not –"

"Don't deny it."

"Just admit it."

"Fine. But they're nice dreams."

"Ugh."

**Remus Lupin**

I asked her out. Am I stupid or what? I'm a werewolf! She'd never like me! I'd eat her! Aw…why isn't it the full moon for another month? She would never –

Oh. My. Goodness. I just realized. I don't have any (non-smelly) robes! Oh no. … Oh no, oh no, oh no…

"Remus, what the hell are you –"

"AARGH! NAKED REMUS!"

"Bet Peter's enjoying it though."

"Enjoying – Moony?"

"Eww! He just said he's enjoying Moony!"

"Look Prongs! His hand's down his pants!"

…

_James, Peter and Remus_ "WHAT?"


	6. Saturday

**Shower Thoughts**

**Disclaimer:** Did you know you only sound better in the shower because your voice is reflecting (echoing)? Isn't that amazing?

Isn't this s'posed to be a disclaimer?

Oh, right, sure…. Uh, this is not mine, never was mine, and never will be mine. Oh dear God, I want to own Harry Potter!!! Why don't I? What did I deserve to not own it?

**Thank you so much everybody!!! I know that this took ages, but you'll review, won't you? I try my best… :D I love you all!!**

**Saturday**

**Emmeline Vance**

UGH!!! I HATE REMUS LUPIN.

Not literally, my darling. That is, if you can hear my thoughts. Which would be weird…

Anyway, what the hell was he thinking? What did he think; I like a man in fur? He is disgusting. Tell me honestly, shower head; what would you say if you'd just been asked out by the bloke of your dreams, and he turns up for your date dressed in a fur coat of otter skin? And he tells you that! I can't believe him. I thought we had something. …

And then we went to Madam Puddifoots'. And you know what he did on the way there?

He squashed a frog.

"Emmeline? Emmeline? Are you okay girl?"

"I think she's crying, Lily."

"Thank you, Captain Obvious. Emmeline?"

_Door flies open_

"I'm fine. Just fine. Good night."

_False whisper_ "I don't think she's fine."

"I'm fine, Dorcas."

"I don't think she is."

"Dorcas."

"Emmeline."

"Are you repeating me now?"

"Are you repeating me now?"

"Dorcas."

"Emmeline."

"Let me sleep, okay?"

"Fine. But we know you're not fine."

"What?"

"Stay out of this Lily."

"But you said we."

"Lily."

"Dorcas."

"Emmeline."

"You don't say your own name, Emmeline!"

"Oh, just leave me alone!"

"Fine."

"Fine."

"Fine."

"Lily, you weren't a part of this."

**Remus Lupin**

How could I? I'm sure she hates me now. I knew I shouldn't have worn the otter skin. And I think she was a little angry about that frog. It went under my foot. I didn't step on it. It went under me. Damn things.

Maybe I shouldn't have asked Padfoot for fashion advice. He's been out to get me since I told him (in a joking voice!) to wear his Froggy Falls cap. He loved that place. So he bought the cap. And it had a mini waterfall with a giant frog on top. It's not my fault that he took me seriously.

Hehe. Sirius took me seriously. That's one of those priceless lines.

That you say when no-one's around.

"Hey, Prongs, Padfoot, Wormtail! Sirius took me seriously! Get it?"

"Real funny Moony."

"What? It is!"

"I'm so over it Moony."

_Gives him evil look_ "It's your fault Emmeline's mad at me anyway!"

"Oh, so we're still calling her Emmeline, even though she's mad at you!"

"When I get angry at someone, I don't call them by their last name again! That's just stupid."

"Oh, so I'm stupid now?"

"You're seriously stupid."

_Silence_

"Hey, that's funny!"

**Dorcas Meadowes**

OH MY GOD! DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TODAY?

Probably not, you're just a bar of soap after all.

BUT DO YOU WANNA KNOW?

"Dorcas, quit yelling at the soap!"

Sirius Black, yes, the Sirius Black, asked me, Dorcas Meadowes, to accompany him to Hogsmeade this morning! I wasn't even expecting it! It was so out of the blue! Or should that be out of the black?

Oh, I'm just so happy. He held my hand.

He has a big hand.

A warm, big hand.

Oh, I could just swim in his hand.

"Lily, can you swim in someone's hand?"

"Excuse me?"

"Can you swim in someone's hand?"

"Um, I really don't know."

_Muffled_ "Why don't you try it Dorcas?"

"I might, Emmeline, I just might."

**Peter Pettigrew**

I hate showers. I hate soap. I hate shampoo. I hate conditioner. I hate them all. All of you, lined up on that shelf like you're important or something. Stupid things. 'Ooh, I'll make you smell like lavender on an April morning…' Then how come that girl said I smelt like a rat from the sewer? Huh? Huh? Whatcha got to say to that, conditioner?

"Peter, are you fighting with the shampoo bottles again?"

"No…this time it's the conditioner."

_Muffled thumps_

"I do believe that he just tackled that bottle to the floor."

"Thank you Remus. And we're back here at the Bathroom Ground, where Peter Pettigrew has just tackled the conditioner. And what does the conditioner do in retaliation?"

_Loud screams_

"Your thoughts, Prongs?"

"I think it squirted him in the eye."

"And I think you're right and –"

_Peter comes rolling out of the bathroom, wrestling with the conditioner_

"Oh my God! And here he is now, the man, Pettigrew, that rat boy; what are your thoughts right now, Peter?"

"I … hate … this … conditioner …"

"And Mr Conditioner?"

_Squelching noises_

"He squirted me! Ah, all in the life of a commentator and –"

"Sirius!"

"Right, Prongs, I'm on it. Okay, time to switch over to my horse racing voice…"

"Stand back. Spit may fly."

"AndPetertacklesthatbottletotheground!Andwhatishegonnadonow?Ibelieveit'sanevasive manoeuvreandtheregoesthebottle,itsinsidesareonthegroundfolks!Ohmygod,what'shedoingnow?

It'sanothermove,andsquelch!theregoesthatbottle'slastlifelines!It'slidisofffolks! IT IS OFF!"

"Thank you for you for being our commentator this evening, Sirius Black."

"I hope to become one if it doesn't work out in the wizard world."

**James Potter**

I've been thinking very hard about my question dilemma. I realize now, that perhaps I should have asked someone else. I mean, Lily's nice and all…but…

You know, she's Lily. And she'll never change. Which is why right now, I hate girls. She wouldn't even speak to me today. Even though we were kinda on a double date. With Padfoot and Moony. How come her two best friends will answer questions straight away, but she has to think for a week about her answer? Sigh. Girls are just such a pain.

"'Dear Diary, today I thought about Lily again. I miss her. She never talks to me any more. But I don't blame her. What would girl would answer the question –'"

"Hey, guys, whose next for the – SIRIUS IS THAT MY DIARY?!"

"Possibly, Prongs. Possibly."

"GIVE ME THAT."

"Never! Haha! I stole James' diary! His pink and fuzzy diary!"

"Give. Me. The. Diary."

"Make. Me."

"Alright then."

_Tackles him to the ground_

"Hey!"

"What the –"

"Watch where you stick your –"

"Your what Padfoot? We're all listening."

"Uh, nothing."

"Poof."

"Hey!"

**Lily Evans**

I have to answer him tomorrow. I don't wanna! It's all too difficult. His question wasn't one you answer straight up. And only one week to think about it! Sometimes you have to detest your best mates. But I do still love them. They're helping. Kind of.

"Dorcas, do I have to –"

"Yes. Stop asking me!"

"Can't you guys just let me sleep?"

_Unison_ "No."

"Sigh."

It's just…it's not like I like him or anything. Oh, who am I fooling? A freaking shower head? And bar of stupid soap? I mean they don't have much in the way of intelligence, but still. I'm sure that they can see that I'm in love. Aren't I stupid? I'm in love with the guy I've said that I've hated for the past six or so years. How horrible.

"Dorcas, would you think it would be weird if … a friend of mine … said that they hated someone for ages, but then they told me that they were actually in love with them?"

"…Huh?"

"She's saying that she's in love with James. God, Dorcas."

"What? No, I said –"

"Oh stop it. You can so tell."

"I'm still not following."

"You wouldn't. Lily, turn the shower off and we can discuss this."

"Discuss what? I said that my friend –"

"Lily, we all know that we're your only friends that you discuss those kind of things with."

"What? But – No – It's a Muggle friend!"

"Too late Lily."

"Damn."

**Sirius Black**

Okay, now that I am officially enemies with everything in this bathroom, I have something new to introduce to you all. Yes, I am still talking to you! Even though you have all attacked me in some way. Even you, shower curtain. I remember third year. Oh yeah, you thought I'd forgotten, right? Wrong.

"Ahem. Say hello to … my new … SOAP-FREE SOAP!"

"Sirius, are you introducing a soap to the bathroom?"

"It's not soap! But yes. They can meet the thing that is neither soap, nor is it a body wash."

"You are weird. I should have listened to my psychiatrist. He said someone like you couldn't possibly exist because … well, you're just too dumb. I told him he was wrong, that I really was friends with someone like you. I even showed him a picture."

"What did he say?"

"He fainted and I never saw him again. I think my mother said that he refused to see me."

"Poor Moony. Rejected by a psychiatrist because of me. Aah. Now doesn't that make you feel special."

"Uh, Moony, what picture did you show him?"

"What was that, Prongs?"

"What picture did you show your psychiatrist?"

"That one where we were all covered in scrambled eggs. You know, when we went down to the kitchens in second year?"

"Oh. I understand now."

"It might also have been because it moved. Sirius put the saucepan on his head again and again."

"OW! IT BURNS! OH, WHY CAN'T I FIND ANYTHING THAT DOESN'T HURT ME?"


	7. Sunday

**Shower Thoughts**

**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter and anything to do with him is not my property. But that can't stop me from using everything from it!!

**Yes, yes, I know most of you probably hate me because this has taken so long. Hopefully I have proved the wait worth it. Sorry. Please lower your pitchforks and read. :D**

**Sunday**

**Peter Pettigrew**

I never found love. Never. What is so utterly undesirable about me? Is it picking my nose? Eating food that has fallen on the floor? Was it the fact that I poked that girl's dead owl when it was clearly dead? Was it because I jumped on the owl? Sigh. Only my shampoo loves me. And I love you raspberry-scented shampoo. _Squirt._ Crap, it's in my eye!! Argh!

"Prongs! Padfoot! Moony! Help me!! The shampoo got into my eye!"

"And how did that happen?"

"I told it I loved it –"

"There's your problem."

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Note to self: Do not ever, EVER try to dive into Sirius' hand again. Results in major head injury and complete and utter embarrassment.

But some good did come out of it. Sirius very thoughtfully took me to the Hospital Wing. And when Madam Pomfrey wasn't looking, he kissed me!! Oh, shower, I'm so happy! Soap, dance with me! Shampoo, conditioner, you can join in too!! And you, hairbrush, and you, my fluffy body sponge!

_Comes sailing out of the bathroom in a towel _"He kissed me! He kissed me!"

"And that gives you an excuse to dance with my conditioner, how?"

"He kissed me! And all the bathroom essentials are dancing with me!"

"You forgot Emmeline's strawberry-scented body wash, Dorcas."

"Lily, shut –"

"Ooh! Yes!"

_Runs back into bathroom and comes out holding large body wash bottle_ "I'll make everything strawberry fresh!"

"Dorcas! NO –"

_Squirts strawberry liquid everywhere_

"Damn it."

**Remus Lupin**

I apologized to Emmeline today for everything I think I've ever done wrong to her. I was really nervous she was gonna scream at me. She was silent for a whole minute, just staring at me. Then she did scream, but in a good way. She gives a good bear hug.

Sirius and James, of course, had to ruin the moment by wolf-whistling. Immature weirdos.

I'd best be off, shower head. Emmeline and I are meeting in the common room.

"Remus, have you seen my cologne? You know, that one you said the other day smelt really nice."

"Uhh… No."

"You sure? I could have sworn I'd left it on my bedside cabinet…"

"Well I certainly haven't taken it and put some on to impress Emmeline and then hidden the bottle in my cupboard inside my slippers."

_Others stare at him._

"Whoops. Um, I'll be going now." _Runs down stairs_

"Sirius?"

"Yes, Prongs?"

"Do you feel like tackling a cupboard?"

"I rather do."

"Then let's do it."

_Angry yells, followed by cupboard falling to the ground._

**Emmeline Vance**

You know, shower, some days just go by perfectly.

Remus and I have made up. Even though I went down there covered in strawberry body wash (no thanks to Dorcas), he still understood and we…

Ooh, just let me remember the moment one more time before I tell you…

Sigh. Aah.

We kissed. It was lovely. Better than anything.

I feel like dancing with the soap.

…

Damn it, I'm turning into Dorcas.

"So what happened down there, Emmeline?"

"That's disgusting Dorcas."

"Ew, I didn't mean that. I meant –"

"We kissed."

"No. Way."

"Yes way."

_Squeals_ "Ohmigosh! That's great!! Group hug!"

This is the happiest day of my life.

**Sirius Black**

Dorcas is pretty cool. We're very similar. Although, I think I have a bit more sense. I certainly wouldn't try to dive into someone's hand. But she did look cute with that lump on her head.

I've been thinking, shower, that maybe we should make a truce. After all these horrible things that you and all your little cronies have done to me over the years, maybe we should just, you know, call it evens. Is that fair?

_Screams_

"Oh for Merlin's sake. Sirius? What have you done now?"

"IT'S THE SHOWER CURTAIN! AND THE CONDITIONER! AND THE SHAMPOO! AND THE SOAP! AND EVEN THE SOAP-FREE SOAP!"

"And what is this bunch of clearly evil objects doing to you?"

"THEY'RE KILLING ME, MOONY! THE CURTAIN'S STRANGLING ME, THE SOAP'S RUBBING IN MY EYES, THE SOAP-FREE SOAP IS TRYING TO GET ME TO EAT IT… THEY'RE TRYING TO MURDER ME!"

"This'll be a good one for the papers… 'Sirius Black: Killed By Soap and Shower Curtains'."

"COME ON, YOU GUYS! I'M SERIOUS! THEY'RE KILLING ME!"

"Ha, he's serious. And he's Sirius. Hehe."

"WORMTAIL, THAT'S NOT HELPING!"

"We should probably help him."

"Who's 'we'?"

"You're right, Moony. SORT IT OUT YOURSELF, PADFOOT!"

"WHAT? WHAT? JAMES! HELP ME!!"

"Are you sure we did the right thing?"

"Of course Wormtail. He has to learn to face his own demons."

"AARGH! GET AWAY FROM ME! I DON'T WANT YOUR FRANGIPANI FRESH SCENT!"

**Lily Evans**

I answered him. What else is there to say?

I went down there before and told him my answer. He was happy. I'm happy. And I don't want to get out of this shower, because Emmeline and Dorcas are just going to hug me again.

**James Potter**

I don't think I've ever smiled so much. I went down to the common room because Lily told me to go down there tonight and that she had an answer for me.

And she answered me, non-evil soap! (Honestly, why does Sirius hate you so?)

She answered me…

_Reflection_

"James?"

"Yeah, Lily?"

"I've thought about it and …"

"And?"

"Yes."

"Yes what?"

"Yes, your butt does look big in those pants."

"Really?" _Twists and looks at himself._ "Hmm, yeah, it does… Thanks for answering me though. Although a little earlier would have been appreciated."

"And James?"

"Yeah?"

"I really like you."

"You do? After all these –"

"I know. It's taken me so long to realize. But I do. I really do."

"Me too. Seriously."

"Did I hear my name?"

_In unison _"No!"

"Wanna go to Hogsmeade then?"

"Yeah. I'd love to, James."

_End of reflection._

Yep, this has been a pretty good week.

**.x.x.x.**

**With many, many thanks to all those readers who read this chapter even after it's taken me this long. :D Your loyalty is very much appreciated. **

**And a huge thanks to all those who reviewed over these seven chapters. Your reviews made me laugh and very happy. This was done for you. :D**


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